Guest Columnist: Dugg the Bugg Man

*In light of the high rate of extraterrestrial activity in Gwinnett County, we bring you a special guest columnist for today's report. 

First, a little about myself. Yes, my name is Dugg. I couldn't spell Doug when I was in Kindergarten and it just stuck. Second, I hate bugs. I'm the Bugg Man; if you got a bug problem, I am the bug solution. Mention the Daily Gwinnetian when you call and get 10% off any extermination. But I am not here to talk about bugs, not the earthly variety anyhow. I am here to talk about aliens.

Why me? Because I was abducted, and you can learn from my story.

It started with a bright light. I woke up to my dogs going crazy and the windows of my double-wide glowing white in the middle of the night. My wife Reatha was tired from working a double at the Waffle House and I didn't want anyone waking her up, so I grabbed a shotgun I keep by the nightstand and walked outside, where I saw what seemed to be a doorway of light.

Rule 1: DO NOT GO INTO THE LIGHT

The aliens know that most earthbound creatures, including humans, are drawn to light. They use this to their advantage. 

My wife said she woke up to me closing the bedroom door. "I saw some headlights or something," she said, "everything ok?" Apparently I told her it was lightning, despite the fact that the skies were free of clouds, and my voice had gone flat, empty was how she described it, but she shrugged it off at the time as being sleepy.

Reatha wasn't talking to me though. By that time I was already thousands of miles away. Tens of thousands. Light years maybe. You see, I had walked into a spacecraft, and once I was inside it was as though I had no control over myself. I dropped the shotgun, and the sound was strange and muted. I saw a solid and gleaming rectangular object, and I knew I was supposed to lay down on it, so I did, and I closed my eyes.

Rule 2: YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.

When I opened my eyes, I was standing and facing a mirror, or what I thought was a mirror. Until my reflection blinked. I was not standing in front of a mirror, I was standing in front of myself.

You see, I had laid down on some sort of alien 3D printer, and they'd printed off a identical clone, right down to the FREE BIRD tattoo across my knuckles. The clone went back to Reatha and the trailer, and I went off to parts unknown. 

Rule 3: TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS

"I knew something was wrong," Reatha said. "I started to notice things, like he was a different person. After that night, he would put his boots on sock then shoe on one foot, and then do the other one. He never did it like that before, it was always both socks first, then both shoes. And he wouldn't eat Sloppy Joe's no more either, but they used to be his favorite."

You see, the clone looked like me, but he didn't know how to be me. He never went fishing, and he couldn't drive a forklift worth a damn. Got me fired from the warehouse because he kept knocking over pallets with it. I am certainly not the only person this has happened to, so watch your family members closely for signs of abduction and cloning. As you read this, there are likely clones among us.

I was kept in some sort of suspended stasis for 385 days. The aliens must have run all sorts of tests or experiments on me, but I guess they had one of those Will Smith memory things because I can't remember hardly anything that happened, or even the aliens themselves. Just vague images of humanoid beings with insectile features. I did come away from the abduction with an intense hatred for insects, which is why I started my extermination business. Well, that and losing my forklift job.

Rule 4: DON'T BLAME THE ABDUCTEE FOR THE CLONE'S BEHAVIOR

I don't even know exactly how I got back or how the clone was removed, and when I returned I had no idea what all had happened in the time since my abduction. I'd lost my job, Reatha was filing for divorce, and trailer had been repossessed.

"I was just so glad to have him back," Reatha said. "He told me this crazy story about being taken by the aliens and for a while I didn't know what to think. Then he turned on WrestleMania, and I knew my Duggie was home. He's watched WrestleMania every year since 1985 when Hulk Hogan and Mr. T won the first championship. Every year except one. The whole time that clone was here, it never even turned on the TV."

I still have a lot of questions. I learned that Kepler 452b is an earthlike planet in what NASA calls the 'habitable zone', and a year on Kepler 452b is 385 days, which is why I believe the insectoid aliens that abducted me originated there. Why did they return me to earth after a year? I believe they want to compile data gathered from the clone with what they learned from me. I dread thinking it, but the fact that I was returned alive could mean that they plan to retake me in the future for some sort of follow-up study. 

Please be vigilant, and if you need an extermination, give me a holler. Dugg the Bugg Man, over and out.