I'm Pretty Sure John Travolta was Replaced by an Alien Clone in 1996

Dugg the Bugg Man here; guest columnist for the Daily Gwinnetian, friendly neighborhood bug exterminator, and one-time alien clone. Hopefully you read my three-part expose last year on the alien entities who are at this very moment walking among us unheeded (by most), which brings me to our topic today, John Travolta.

Mr. Travolta, shown here in a 1981 publicity photo, is known and beloved far and wide as the star of many Hollywood movies, but if you know anything about Hollywood, you know that looks can be deceiving. Note that in the above photo, 27-year-old Travolta appears to be a perfectly normal human being. 

Now compare young Travolta with 61-year-old Travolta, shown below at the 87th Academy Awards.

Notice anything suspicious? It's almost like John Travolta is no longer John Travolta, at least not the one we saw in Saturday Night Fever. You are no doubt aware of Mr. Travolta's connections to Scientology, however, this theory runs a little deeper than even L. Ron Hubbard could imagine. 

"But Dugg," you ask, "when exactly was human John replaced by what is in all likelihood an alien clone?" I believe the answer is 1996, and I believe human John left a few clues to alert those of us who are paying attention. 

You may remember that 1996 marked the release of Phenomenon, a movie where Travolta plays George Malley, "an auto mechanic in a small town in Northern California. After celebrating his 37th birthday at a bar with his best friend, Nate, and father figure, Doc Brunder, he sees a ball of shining bright white lights in the sky, which grows closer until it hits him with a loud bang, knocking him down. Nobody else sees the lights or hears the sound. George begins to exhibit remarkable levels of intelligence. He easily absorbs vast amounts of information, formulates new, revolutionary ideas, and develops telekinesis."

Now that should sound familiar to you, dear reader, but the plot thickens. After Phenomenon, Travolta released a movie titled Michael, his second and only other film of 1996. 

In Travolta's Michael, "the National Mirror is a tabloid publication that reports primarily on unexplainable phenomena. The editor, Vartan Malt, receives a story tip about a woman living with an angel in her house in a small town in Iowa, and decides to send three staff members to investigate. At the boarding house of Pansy Milbank, they meet her tenant Michael. While Michael has wings and smells like cookies, he has an unexpected taste for cigarettes and sugar, seems rather boorish at first, and does not appear clean. When pressed for the type of angel he is, he replies he is an archangel."

Now, where am I going with this, you ask? I believe that John Travolta, much like myself, was abducted and replaced by an alien clone, and that he used Phenomenon and Michael to tell us what happened. 

You're probably thinking, "In the movie Michael, he's not an alien, he's an angel". Well, dear reader, as any scholar of New Testament Greek will attest, the word angelos in fact means 'messenger' and was only later anglicized as 'angel'. And what is an alien but a messenger from the stars? Consider the book of Ezekiel, chapter 1, verses 4 through 20:

4 And I looked, and, behold, a whirlwind came out of the north, a great cloud, and a fire infolding itself, and a brightness was about it, and out of the midst thereof as the colour of amber, out of the midst of the fire.

5 Also out of the midst thereof came the likeness of four living creatures. And this was their appearance; they had the likeness of a man.

6 And every one had four faces, and every one had four wings.

7 And their feet were straight feet; and the sole of their feet was like the sole of a calf's foot: and they sparkled like the colour of burnished brass.

8 And they had the hands of a man under their wings on their four sides; and they four had their faces and their wings.

9 Their wings were joined one to another; they turned not when they went; they went every one straight forward.

10 As for the likeness of their faces, they four had the face of a man, and the face of a lion, on the right side: and they four had the face of an ox on the left side; they four also had the face of an eagle.

11 Thus were their faces: and their wings were stretched upward; two wings of every one were joined one to another, and two covered their bodies.

12 And they went every one straight forward: whither the spirit was to go, they went; and they turned not when they went.

13 As for the likeness of the living creatures, their appearance was like burning coals of fire, and like the appearance of lamps: it went up and down among the living creatures; and the fire was bright, and out of the fire went forth lightning.

14 And the living creatures ran and returned as the appearance of a flash of lightning.

15 Now as I beheld the living creatures, behold one wheel upon the earth by the living creatures, with his four faces.

16 The appearance of the wheels and their work was like unto the colour of a beryl: and they four had one likeness: and their appearance and their work was as it were a wheel in the middle of a wheel.

17 When they went, they went upon their four sides: and they turned not when they went.

18 As for their rings, they were so high that they were dreadful; and their rings were full of eyes round about them four.

19 And when the living creatures went, the wheels went by them: and when the living creatures were lifted up from the earth, the wheels were lifted up.

Now if that doesn't describe an extraterrestrial visitor, I don't know what does, and if you're still not convinced, John Travolta's replacement with an alien clone is the only logical explanation for his involvement in Battlefield Earth.